Contributing member of society?

"I just wish I could be a contributing member of society again like you are"... it was a phrase a dear mother expressed one day to her friend who was a working mother.  That phrase struck me to my core and I have thought about it almost daily since hearing it.  As I have pondered this concept, I've realized that this is one of Satan's great lies that many, many mothers buy in to at least to some degree.



I remember life as a working woman.  I had a decent paying job as a computer programmer/analyst working full-time with great benefits to boot.  I also took classes part-time to improve my education.  I guess you would have called me a "contributing" member of society by the worlds standards, but my heart was aching because it was not the life that I had envisioned for myself.  I didn't grow up having grand plans of my future as a career/business woman.  I had a vision of being a mother, wife and homemaker.  I wanted to have children.  Not just a couple of children... I wanted a household full of them.  I look back at that time in my life with some regret because of the choices I made in my attitude.  Being childless was difficult, and seeing everybody else being pregnant and having babies year after year while not having that blessing come to our family was heartbreaking... but it was amplified by my pessimistic "wo is me" attitude... I wish I had simply trusted that my Father in Heaven knew me, knew my life and had a grand plan for me that was for my eternal benefit.  I should have had more faith and trust and chosen to be happy.  That's a conversation for a different topic though.  Maybe going through all of those years of working but yearning for the greater calling of motherhood has kept my vision clearer than it would have been otherwise.  It hasn't always been clear though, there have been days, weeks and months over the past several years of being a mother that have been very difficult where I all but lost the vision of what my purpose was.  Most of that was because of, again, my attitude.  I am still learning how stop seeing the negative and let myself enjoy the moment of life I am in!

Please don't misunderstand me.  I believe in getting an education and developing gifts and talents.  I know that we need to be wise and have skills to fall back on if we need to.  I also know how important it is not to assume we know the circumstances in other people's lives.  We need to assume everybody is doing the best they know how, to love them and not ever judge them.  Also, don't misinterpret this post as me saying "Look at me, I'm so awesome... I'm such a good mom and wife"... no.  I am not even close to being where I wish I was on this subject.  I've just had the truth of this subject touch my heart and open my mind this past month or so.

I believe that one of Satan's greatest lies that good women are buying into is that if you're only focused on being the best mother, wife, and homemaker you can possibly be, you are not being a contributing member of society.  That could not be further from the truth.  A woman who sees her roles as not just mundane tasks but as a great mission that God has been bestowed upon her will not only be a great blessing to her children and husband, but WILL change the world in much greater ways than any possible work outside of her home could.  She will put all of her energy and passion into her calling.  Her children will be raised with love and the example of finding and fulfilling their own life missions.

They will know good from evil and understand the importance of standing up for what they know is right.

They will have many memories of spending time as a family, being held, loved, cared for and taught.

 They will have a good example of what a happy, healthy marriage looks like and want that for themselves.

They will go on to have their own families and be much more likely to raise up their own children in love and righteousness... and their posterity will do the same.  A woman who catches that vision is powerful.  World changing.  I hope I can remember that the next time I find a toddler in the middle of a big mess ;)

C.S. Lewis had it right when he said: "The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career. "

Our daughters are watching us as we live our lives... are they going to want to follow in our footsteps or will they think there is more value in being a business woman than a full-time mother and homemaker?

Our sons are watching us... will our example give them a testimony of the importance of supporting their future wives in their desire to stay home instead of working and bringing in that tempting extra income?

"The grass is greener on the other side"... women bought into that concept decades ago with the feminist movement and abandoned the greatest career only to replace it with far less valuable and effective ones.  Women traded gold for fools gold.  The effects on society have been tragic and far-reaching.  It's time to live our missions.  If we want to really "contribute" to society, let's remember what work God has given us to do and catch the vision of the great calling of being a wife, mother, and homemaker.

My life is a garden

Weeding.  It's one of those things that I dread doing until I'm actually doing it.  Once I'm down in the dirt pulling those plant stranglers out of the ground, my mind and soul go into learning mode.

This is the most recent "learning experience" that I had while weeding...

My life is like a garden.  Because of the world we live in and because I am mortal, "weeds" are inevitable.  Weeds are corrupt things that are in the world all around us and sins that we need to repent of.  The longer we let them stay without working to remove them, the more damage they can do.  We have to be constantly vigilant to pluck them out of our gardens before they grow very large and stunt the growth of the plants that we want to grow to their full capacity.  As mothers, we are supposed to be vigilantly protecting our homes from those corrupt things.  We need to vigilantly look at the media choices we make and ask whether they are nourishing the values and habits that will lead us and our children down the straight and narrow path.

Weeds are not the only thing that can prevent our gardens from flourishing!  Sometimes we have the misconception that "more is better" and have to stand back and decide which "plants" (activities etc...) should stay and which ones need to be thinned out.  Just as a congested row of beets or carrots will make it impossible for any of the beets or carrots to spread out and grow correctly, congesting our schedules and lives with too many "good" activities will not leave the time we need to allow our relationships and daily family habits and traditions to spread out and grow correctly.

Vital learning and bonding times like family dinner, family work and skill building, family reading time and a non-rushed bedtime routine are compromised or completely eliminated.

Time to take a good look at my "garden" because these little "plants" are growing up way too fast!

"What's more important?"

Last week was spring break in our neighborhood.  At first I wasn't going to take a break from homeschooling but when Sunday evening arrived, I changed my mind.  Matt was heading out of town on Monday and I felt like the house was just too out of control for me to focus much on anything... and then I had a brilliant idea.  Actually, I was inspired with an idea.  I decided that I was going to focus on getting a few areas of the house cleaned up, but that wasn't the inspired part.  I've had these "let's get the house clean and organized" times before.  In the past I would gather the kids together and let them know the plan.  Sometimes they would go along with it pretty well at first but usually by the end I was grumpy that we weren't getting enough done or that the kids were being ornery or something.  This time was different.  I brought the kids together and told them I was going to be working to get the house cleaned up while Daddy was gone.  I was going to take lots of breaks and have lots of fun activities and snacks during the breaks for anybody who was being a helper.  We would take before and after pictures for fun.  And I had one BIG rule for myself... I would constantly ask myself "What's more important?"  Not like "is the kitchen or the front room more important" but rather "is finishing this task or holding and connecting with this child more important"...

"is getting back to work or taking an extra long break to have fun and make memories more important".

It was amazing.  The big kids took an area and went to work.  I didn't assign them an area- only gave suggestions if they wanted them.  Bethany worked so hard with a great attitude.

Jacob picked the garage first... then independently decided to mow the lawn.  He is getting so big and responsible!

  I felt very blessed while Matt was gone.The kids got along, they never complained.  The babies took GOOD LONG naps (somewhat unheard of lately), and I was able to stay calm, remember to be present and enjoy the precious little moments.

 We had so much fun on our breaks... bubblegum blowing contests,

 fun snacks that I don't normally buy, crafts & art stuff, going outside and enjoying the sunshine.

Hard work always improves their attitude and the way they treat each other.   The kids were happy because they were working hard and accomplishing something visible.

  They were happy because we were having fun and making memories.  They were happy because they were going to surprise their Dad with what they had accomplished when he walked in the door from his business trip.

 

Now let's be real here.  I don't want this post to give the inaccurate impression that my house is now clean and organized.  I have five children...three of which are three and under....the house is somewhat messy again.  We've had bad, grumpy days since these three days of amazing unity.  I have not been the best mom at times this week (probably a gross understatement).  I am such a HUGE work in progress as we all are; but I am trying to remember the lessons I learned: focusing on what is most important and doing what I can to inspire the kids to have fun and enjoy working together as a family.  

Nurturing family relationships: that's one of my most important roles as a wife, mother and homemaker because the relationships my kids have with each other will be the longest relationships of their lives.  

"Hurry!"

Today... It started out fine.  I woke up happy...and then I sat up to get out of bed and the reality of the messiness of my house came on me like a cold, dark, cloud.  Everywhere I went all I could see were the piles of clutter and things that needed to be put away or cleaned.  In my mind the list of things to do was growing larger and the reality of the last week and a half of having sick kids made that list totally overwhelming.  I wished my house was just clean and organized.  I told myself that if I could just get it all done, that would make me so happy... I would be able to think clearly and get things done so much faster and I would just feel so much better.  I had a goal yesterday morning to get the kitchen cleaned up.  I figured just putting that one job on my list would make it doable... Here is the before-picture I took to help me be excited once the job was done.

I know.  It's embarrassing.











And here was my kitchen this morning after trying all day yesterday to get it cleaned up with ornery sick kids...

Not a whole lot of improvement... in some ways it's worse.










I didn't get much done this morning and I was too frustrated and upset about the house to really focus on anything.  I probably spent most of the morning trying to get the kids to "hurry" and finish their jobs so we could "hurry" and get started with learning time.  I am always in a hurry.  At one point, Zachary was asking to watch a show...I've been anti-TV for a while and would normally have said "no", but James was hungry and I decided to go ahead and put on a LeapFrog learning show for the kids... I took James to my room, sat in my big cushy recliner and fed him his bottle.  Before long James was asleep.  I almost got up and put him down in his bed, so that I could hurry and do some more work on the kitchen, but then I had a moment of clarity and I remembered that this was one of those parts of life I needed to just sit and let myself enjoy.  I let myself just sit and hold James and not do anything else.  I fell asleep holding him for at least 30 minutes.

Later this afternoon while I was driving Bethany to horseback riding lessons (after hurrying out the door and once again being overwhelmed and frustrated, I put on a recording of a call that Nicholeen Peck did for the Teaching Self Government course that I'm taking.  I had already listened to the beginning of the call and started it back up right as she started talking about the subject of being stressed out and thinking that once we get certain things (like a clean house) we will finally be happy... here are a couple of things she said that totally hit home:

"...we think that if we get those things, we will somehow feel better in our life.  If your mentality is to be in a hurry to get those things...then you might as well not have had them, even if you get them..."

"If you hurry around all of the time, you will spend so much time hurrying that you will never get anything worthwhile done!”

She also talked about making lists and that we often don't put the most important things on our lists, like "hold the baby", "look in your children's eyes" etc...  oh, how very true.

Have I mentioned how much I love Nicholeen Peck?  She has said so many things that I've listened to or read right in the moment I needed to hear them.  It's amazing how truth resonates.  I'd been praying for help and was given exactly what I needed to hear today.

The rest of my day went much better.  Although my kitchen still isn't clean, it is cleaner than it was this morning.  Although my day wasn't great overall, I did get to hold my little James.  Tomorrow I will try to remember not to hurry so much and not to wish some things were different so that I could be happy... because I need to choose to be happy today.

Distractions

I'm realizing that my life is full of distractions.  The biggest culprit in my life at this time is...

My phone.

Pretty.  Isn't it.

It is an amazing tool.  It has my calendar on it and it sends me reminders of events.  It has my kindle on it, which gives me the ability to read whatever I'm in the mood for when I have a minute to spare.  It has the scriptures on it.  It has the internet and gives me the capability to look things up immediately if I have a question about something.  It has a camera & video camera.  It has my e-mail, facebook, pinterest, and, of course, texting and calling capabilities.

The problem with all of that is that I spend way too much time looking at the phone when I should be looking at my children.  I spend way too much time thinking about whatever random e-mail or facebook post or book or whatever it may be when I should be thinking about my children, my husband, and my home.  As I've become more aware of this issue, I've noticed I'm not the only person with this problem... and it makes me sad.  It has made me determined to not be THAT mom... the one staring at her phone minute after minute, day after day, month after precious month only to look up one day and realize her little ones aren't little any more and all of the memories she could have been storing up in her brain were very craftily stolen away by the allurement of the smartphone.

So in this new effort to try to little by little become the woman that my Heavenly Father wants me to be,  I am starting with overcoming this addiction.  I'm not going to be carrying around this old "friend" day in and day out any more.  It will sit in my kitchen or purse instead of in my pocket.  I will use it in limited amounts at specific times.  I've felt for a while that I needed to put my phone down and although I should have done it weeks ago, I am not going to beat myself up.... I am just going to follow through with that prompting and start being more aware and more present in my own life.

In the beginning...

In the beginning...

there was a wife who was too needy and depressed...
a mother and home-educator who was too stressed out and distracted...
a homemaker who was too overwhelmed and disorganized...

until one day she remembered that the roles she had been given of wife, mother and homemaker were divine roles.  She knew she needed to simplify.  She needed to slow down, be present and grateful.  But most of all, she knew she needed to seek more diligently for divine help from the person who gave her these precious roles in the first place.

She knew He could help her grow into the woman she needed to be to fill those roles in the way she was meant to.

It's going to be an interesting journey!